difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting
. Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. He doesnt need to know that you forgive him, you do. She moved in with a new guy within a couple months of our breakup, and it is an effective deterrent to me reconciling anything with her. . LOL Very true.Truth be told I do miss him but after reflecting on it, I really havent done anything wrong and further more the question is ..Is this Good for me? Someone told me recently that we all seem to have a cross to bear in this lifetime. Probably just enough self respect to pull me away from 9+ months with a sociopath. Hes an ass. I have no plans 2 ever be in contact w/him and I know I have 2 let it go. Quite early on he said he wasnt ready for another relationship (the last one was a year ago, and he feels suffocated in relationships), but that he wanted to try with me. Theres no reason for him to think otherwise, anyway, because Ive been a stellar companion. Improved self-esteem. He does not mean you well. He wants your forgiveness, which he probably interprets as you being okay with what he did. He tried to get me to meet him and called but I just texted and escalated after some wine. Tinkerbell People date those they work with, who go to the same church, the same college, friends of friends, and neighbours. I also dont think asses make good friend material. If we take a good hard look at where we have even reasonably decent relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, theyre not with people who rely on us having selective amnesia, who dont bear the responsibility for making right on something that theyve said theyll do after theyve erred, who dont keep trying to push the Reset Button, and who dont keep using the past as a weapon on us. .and, I believe forgiveness starts with us, first. I really like this guy. We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. you are special. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. Im doing pretty well. "We don't hold grudges in this family" = I am in charge and I say you can't hold this against me. In my opinion its ALL there when you look behind the curtain. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. The last time was b.c despite him not once accompanying me to a single medical appoint, specialist, hospital rehab etc OR ever visiting me AT ALL to see for himself my condition, he had the audacity to say, he didnt believe I was as sick as I said I was. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). NOTHING, time to live in present and learn/forget my painful past! Im not angry and I forgive him not only for the mistakes he made, but also mine. I keep trying to fix it and I act like a good sport where I ignore the reality of how they act. Remember, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. Sure, arent you making a meal out of this whole thing? I dont want to be around YOU. It is a lack of forgiveness and acceptance. Do you want to learn how to love intelligently? 185 0 obj <>stream Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. Your explanations about why something is inconvenient, or abusive, goes in one ear and out the other. Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life. I knew beforehand where the so-called ex gf lived. I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. Needless to say, I did not return her call and havent spoken to her since. Thank you. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. But manipulative and controlling and trying to use the reset button. You, also have a bonus in the pages of the book that makes you live your success by doing a seemingly trivial thing. Im especially proud of you for considering your daughters feelings. No, no theological debate going on, just seeking understanding of what the other person means. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Yeah, right. That way he cant send you any! Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. I cant imagine the devastation your heart must be in right now. You dont need anyone like that in your life. The urge remains to call him and ask, Can you help me make sense of what happened? When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Thanks. The person isnt going to (maybe cant) repay his debt to us so trying to collect the debt is futile. It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. I would never ever let someone treat my child with disrespect or disregard. Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. The word grudge is typically used to refer to such a feeling when it has been held for a long period of timeoften longer than is considered normal. resentment noun. He contacted me online in May, we got to talk on skype quite a lot and made phone calls. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. Why? she should just walk away whenever he approaches. I only need to validate me. What a beautiful sentence. In the end (8 yrs later), after numerous talks, etc I was left just bitter and resentment. Ready you should be celebrating! One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. I typed the website address into the search bar just now while chanting to myself Please let it say something about NOT seeking reassurance and approval and caring from someone who has demonstrated a lack of those things. I was trying to rationalize texting exfriend for support because its the anniversary of my surgery to remove the cancer, and Im feeling vulnerable. woman on the rebound who knows he is not the right guy butcould trick[herself]into being with him.. His niceness is just a front to get laid, unfortunately. We can remember without ill will. and she appears to be lovely woman. Whether the experience is a good one or a very bad one, hopefully you learn and come out a better person. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. the unsubscribe link in the e-mail. I was appalled by this. JBI Evidence Synthesis. He told me that he might get full residence of the kids as I was a crap mum and he did 90% of their care. I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. Im not a helpless, vulnerable child any more, yet cant bring myself to name them individually when I pray. Even if you think you are not good enough for love or that you dont deserve love, know that the moment true love is revealed to you will be the very moment you could live in for eternity. You will feel the difference. A lot less drama. She left another message very late at night asking me if I got it and if I liked it. And I didnt. Read about the narcissist smear campaign. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! But when someone does harm to you (emotionally, mentally), and you finally overcome that, and they try to convince you things will be positive if you want it to be. CC, I just read your comment. Then he offers you that diminishing relationship, proceeds to say well talk, then pulls away. He couldnt even buy a coffee without being all charming and seductive with the girl behind the counter. Grudges are toxic to relationships. You were probably not fitting into the fallback position he intended you to be. You dont have to settle just to not be alone. =), Tink,JustHer & Courtney. Its finally over. I agree with everything you wrote, Rosie. I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. x, Hi JustHer and thanks, isnt it funny that this is how they think, that they have such selective memories in how they treated useverything he did was how Natalie has said it would go so instead of being blindsided it was like an aha momentI refused to be his bit on the side so out came the friend card lol onwards and upwards for all of us!!! A truly, kind, genuine man, would not refer to women as loose and sluts, or joke about having many on the go. It would be better for him if he had a millstone tied around his neck and was cast into the sea than to face God for what he did to this child! I forced myself to have sex with him when I hated it, and it made me want to cry. I am beyond crushed that he sent just 2 lame text messages after he said he had no time for a relationship. So this is really really traumatizing and I think made worse because in our other lives we are totally competent together, strong and intelligent women. DONT. Narc with more baggage than an airport. Vindication? Hard pass! You do not want to go back to that way of life for nothing, because you know the damage it caused. The more you try to chase those feelings away, the more they remain. I used to give to both ACs too many chances, did they change, did I change?! Its also not a punishment.New year, new no. I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. Your response is keeping me strong. 176 0 obj <>/Filter/FlateDecode/ID[<66743374E283F54183115A33AB330900><03634C9BC5421046A3029327F7E9D2ED>]/Index[156 30]/Info 155 0 R/Length 100/Prev 163381/Root 157 0 R/Size 186/Type/XRef/W[1 3 1]>>stream I simply remembered that episode because the nerdy guy was acting totally EUM and I felt the girl could do so much better just like us BR readers who chase after EUMS. Im not sure I forgive by socio path father yet. LavendarCheck in with your feelings and tell us what you think the answer is. And I cannot protect nor enable them from their shameful behaviour past and present. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. Grudges are a form of punishment. Youre mean to not want to go there. We just cant take anymore! RFC I think you already have the information you need, he said he feels suffocated in a relationship and he wanted FWB. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. I hear you, and I know you are right. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. I feel very positive about the future, whether or not that includes a relationship with a man. This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. This doesnt seem very respectful of women, and then he laughs about it. Instead, I am putting on a program highlighting the students in this program, their work, and invited the administrator who wants to cut this program to the event so he can actually meet the very students he wants to disposess. It lasted only three months, yet I got really deep into it (still am). My life had literally come to standstill and wasnt going anywhere, but it was only until things ended with him that I started building up my self-esteem and confidence to set myself goals and actually achieve them. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. In the distant (or not-so-distant) past, someone hurt you. Is your opinion of that behavior good or bad? Like my mother for example? When we walk down the street hes always constantly commenting about how hot every woman we pass is and even runs up to some of them and gives them his number and asks them to meet up later (he does this at LEAST once every time we meet up) and then he looks at me and my shocked face and then laughs. Are you worthy of the air you breathe? Stop praying/wishing for the ex to be happy, for the best Blah. Grace Thank you. I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! I am and will always be a person of extremes. I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife so shell know who he really is and mess up his cheater lifestyle. Today, I am still grieving, suffereing, felt tricked by him in the friendship last year, You would think after all the hardship we went through that now we would be more ready to make it work, but no, he said his feelings switched off long time ago, yet he kept wanting me around. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? Hey, Im working on it. He is capable of seeking attention and some uncommitted sex. Ciembithat truly sucks. LavendarHow many adult men do you know who brag about bedding sluts and loose women but in reality respect/like women and are monogamous and faithful? Even the Bible says that we should freely forgive, but ONLY those who are repentant (i.e., are sorry for what theyve done and who DONT repeat the offending action). Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. AC promptly said he would do what he can, but did nothing just invited my friends over to more lunches and dinners.. keep All my friends getting sweet messages/gifts every other day from him, and I feel like he is trying to win them over. He didnt have time for a relationship with me but within 2 weeks went back on the dating site we met on. To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Dont allow yourself to be his emotional sponge while things work or dont work out between him and his ex. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. Im gobsmacked I declined, of course. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. Im sorry for you too. Hi Demke, so did my daughter, in the end I wasnt allowed to even mention his name to her lol she really hated how angry he was, and when I said that I got angry as well she said yes but yours is a sad angrysuch a wise soul. Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. I got bored and stopped replying. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. There are some tips Ive learned which may or may not work for you but I hope theyll lead to a better understanding of how we can refocus our thoughts. Why spend that much time and energy its because theres still a grudge.. No forgive & forget from me thts for sure! Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. I like cheeseburgers, but I no longer eat them because theyre not good for me. He made sure that I never got what I wanted and needed. Thanks Tinkerbell! Yes. And its SPOT ON. Talk to you soon. Lol. ugh! dont care, dont care, dont care. Phone call would have made me more pouty, I am sure. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. 2020; doi:10.11124/JBISRIR-D-19-00286. My point is that we have instincts we must follow whether it is about the guy or about our ability to be within the relationship or both. Not only that, but you can find yourself taking advantage of any opportunity to let your voice be heard. The Big Question: Will he try to get in contact with me? I know I have to make a 100% break because its painful to laugh and joke or get into stimulating convos over the phone when I know that he doesnt want to see me because hes avoiding physical intimacy. Across, the hall, down the street, around the corner is just too close for comfort. You will not get it. So when I experienced that behavior towards myself, I would ask myself, what would you do if someone were treating your daughter that way. Hes made a couple of crumby attempts to contact me since he broke up with me and while initially I thought that would make me feel better, it didnt. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. Normally, when things do not work out, I just endure the pain but try to move on. Thanks again, This happened to me second time he broke up with me. I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. I ended up finding out things that still haunt me today. I am glad that you seem to understand whats going on, I hope you can use your knowledge much more cleverly than I did. And I had parental issues I was trying to solve through him. I dont know if Im struggling with the definition of forgiveness (which is why I prefer a working definition as theres room for development) or if its the how. 156 0 obj <> endobj Right before she died, my Grandmother experienced another one of her frustrated, disgusted out of patience with your stupidity rants.she told her Bonnie, the way you spoke to me just then is why you will never have a relationship with your daughter. Its important that you listen to your gut. Once I sense a romantic partner is bad news, something changes inside and I cant be with them. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Getting It!- I havent gone to any of my high school reunions as I dont remember high school as being a happy time, havent kept in contact with anyone from high school so what would be the point? What makes me sad is that I wish I had a mother daughter relationship with someonenot her, just someone. I have always adopted NC as my natural response, even before reading about it. I have been NC for 9 weeks, and instead of getting easier it is getting more difficult by the day. A speech will be ineffective, or worse, an ego boost for him. In all honesty, only a few. Thank you for your reply. Maybe a working definition of forgiveness would help? Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. and then me saying, okay, fine, and then forgetting it all, never bringing it up, and acting like it never happened. My family disliked him as well, the brother I am closest to disliked him instantly and the ex AC always tried to stop me seeing him because of this. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. He isn't a human golden retriever all the time. Ready If you had a proper relationship and he was basically a good egg i might say go ahead and have a talk. So you do. There is a silver lining to everything. Lower blood pressure. I just sort of lump them altogether as enemies. And the kids seem fine too. Its a matter of being able to forgive, but not forgetting. Whoever it is know theyre pushing you around, beating you up, and hurting you. Also supplement this with yoga to connect the relaxation of body and mind. Note from the examples: It's about caring enough about myself to not make myself a doormat ever again, and using the pain as motivation. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? She has been told over and over that she cannot treat people the way she treats them and not have consequences. ! Because it really isnt as easy as that. But forgiveness isnt always possible in every situation. On some level what he did made you cringe, yet you are second guessing yourself. When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. It didnt start out this way but 3 months into the relationship something changed. shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. I feel awful at the moment and I dont want you or anyone else to even try to understand why. Theyre either in or theyre out! The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. Thank you. Even with her hip replacement and all the other physical and health issues she has, I dont even feel sorry for her. Forgive yourself for going back, or staying in something that you knew wasnt right, for you. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger. People are so complex. Are you sure it wouldnt be an excuse to stay connected? Why? Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that youre secretly harboring a grudge. Sooner or later, your drug dealer comes around again You remember how you felt, and know it did you no good, only harm. You shouldnt have to put yourself through the extra pain of knowing hes with his ex (or not). I realized after I posted my comment that, while trying to keep the off-topic meanderings to a minimum, I left out some thoughts that might clarify what I meant. It will take time for me to recover and I think for you too.so be patient with yourself.. And it is unfortunately that you have to see him but I understand that you do and I know I will have to do that toofrom time to time but I just hope I will be able to be less triggered as time passes so he wont affect me anymore. Im sure even though you may not be Christian, if you practice or still value the Native American doctrines there are bound to be some similar beliefs. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. teachable- As you know and have counseled people for yearstheres no making sense of nonsense. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. Im the same. Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive. Thanks for being patient with me! Or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend. Anyway, sorry to get all Biblical on yall (came from an unlikely source, eh ladies and fellas? Allow him to be in his honeymoon period for a while. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. Thats a good sign for me. If you can find the strength, run, dont walk. Lol, Grace! That matured my arse up real quick. Theres nothing for me to be angry about, but because Im so hung up in being a good Christian I dont want to hurt him. I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife, LOL!!! This has been my biggest weakness! Merci. Back to re-hab analogy Would you? Flush this man from your life. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought.
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